A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
