I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
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