i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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