drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
