Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize