I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So apparently I’m into choking now
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