i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
