guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
