my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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