I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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