I swear she didn't look like that last week.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
