Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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