So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
