I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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