Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
