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cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize