Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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