I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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