Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
