i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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