were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
