we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
