There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
