Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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