I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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