Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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