I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
