She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
