I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
