I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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