i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
