My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
