I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
