Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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