How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you win again, gameday.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Randomize
