I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
