I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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