Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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