I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
