Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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