She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
