The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
