you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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