I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
