It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
