I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Someone came in the potted fern
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
