I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
