I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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