i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
