How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She needs sedatives and a leash
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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