I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
