You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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