Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
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