ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
