The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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